Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

One of the very best parts of being a parent is that you get to say all the cool things that you never thought you'd ever say. You get to mix up words that were never meant to occupy the same sentence and you might even get to have a laugh while you're at it.

Who wouldn't laugh if you could spend you whole day saying things like:

• The rhinoceros can come, but the giraffee and the lion have to stay behind to have a bath.
• Oh, hello Mr. Spiderman. Would you like to have some tea?
• Get down from the roof before it collapses.
• Not everyone wants to be shot at from a car. It wouldn't be fun for them unless they had a gun of their own. Right?
• If Barbie was pregnant with hamsters, she would definitely make a great circus act.

This is all fine and good until it comes back to bite in the proverbial a%@. Like today, for example, when my 7-year old said, "Mommy, let's dial down the crazy for a minute. OK? I am trying to say something." I mean really, what can you say to that?

For those of you who think I'm too "soft" as a parent, this will help you reconsider.

3:00 AM Monday

EMMA: Mommeeeee!
ME: (Snort. Groan. Slobber.) What?
EMMA: Mommy, can you tickle my back?
ME: No.

See, I told you!