Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

One morning this week, it was too stormy to go to the beach (yes, we're on vacation) and so we opted to drive to a nearby state park (Myakka River State Park) to take a boat ride/tour on an alligator infested lake. It was hot, muggy, and storming (off and on) and we had to wait a while for the boat to get moving. After the first 10 or 15 alligators, the kids were also getting hot and antsy.

I was under the impression that no food or drinks we allowed on the boat and, to ensure that I didn't promptly become a target for a hungry alligator, I was a good girl and left the goodies behind in the car. About 25 minutes in to a 1 hour tour, my son starting complaining that he was hungry. (Turns out the mommy in the row behind us wasn't such a law abiding citizen and had brought a Ziploc bag full of candy. Of course, Jack eyed this bag and mysteriously became ravenously hungry.)

Fortunately, the mommy behind us was also a generous (if horrifyingly lawless) mommy because she offered to share the lollipops she brought with the kids. I gratefully accepted and everyone was happily sucking away until the sugar kicked in.

My son realized that the boy behind us was only a few months younger that he is and they started goofing around in the way that 6-year old boys do. It was fine for a while because the play consisted only of targeting innocent wildlife with invisible weaponry. Not too bad. Then, they started whispering and giggling and I knew trouble was brewing.

As the boat captain turned off the engine (read: white noise), my son yells at the top of his voice "It's a bagina!"

As bad as it was, we all could have just ignored it and moved on, but no. The other boys grandmother gasps "Oh, no! That's a potty mouth. Time out!" No of us knew what to do. Not only was she shocked, but she also took it upon herself to discipline my child in my presence. So I hung my head. Grabbed my unusually speechless son by the hand and got off the boat faster than you can say, "But it's VAGINA! Not Bagina."

I know that no one wants to here talk about baginas especially on an alligator scenic tour, but come on! I can think of many worse things that he could have said (and probably knows how to). Not only that, but at least it was anatomically correct. At least he didn't say, "It's a bajayjay."