Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

Honestly, even though I know I haven't updated my blog in FOREVER,  I really can't believe it hasn't been longer. It has been so long, in fact, that my browser doesn't even autofill my blog when I start to type it out which makes me think I should really just rename the darn thing.

I'm starting to go through a "it's just too difficult to type phase" and a few times recently it's really irked me. Like the name "Lloyd", for example. Why, why, why, does it have to have 2 Ls? Then, that awkward "yd" construction at the end. I would be more tolerant of it if it was just spelled phonetically...Loyud. Loyud.....much better.

Which brings me to the very important, never to be ignored, parenting tip of the day: So, when naming your child spend a little extra time emphasizing phonetics and a little less time being fancy. Please. I beg of you, remember the type-factor.

Anyway, on to the update. Since we last met, life has exploded (or maybe vomited is more like it) all over the neighborhood. Right after the Wiggles...I mean, Barenaked Ladies concert, I was riding high. So what if my rented walls were crumbling asbestos dust and lead paint all over my pretty bamboo display and so what if my rented 80-year old garage door collapsed on my head or the 20 koi in my fish pond up and died in a dramatic, yet stinky, display one night. I was willing to suck it up. Never planning to move again. And, then...

Apparently I lost my mind, again, and decided to buy my animal-crazed kids (who are allergic to cats and dogs) an easy to care for pet. Hamsters. Two kids, of course, means two hamsters. And, like the sensible pet buyer, I made sure that I had two boy hamsters. (Looking back now, I think I should have just sprung for a box of animal crackers. Or two.)

Then, 3 short blissful weeks later, I am disturbed from my Facebook reverie by incessant squeaking. I ignored it for as long as I could, but finally decided that I was going to "put an end to all that racket". Upon peering in the cage, I see three pink fingers wiggling around in the cage. Once I double checked that I didn't lose a finger or three, I realized that they were, in fact, baby hamsters. What!?!?!

Today, 4 weeks later, I have finally got a final count on the actual number of hamsters we have bred. Nine! Nine little pooping, peeing, squeaking, fluffy little bundles of joy running around a cage made for one.

But back to the house...

After realizing that the house I was living in was about to collapse and that the homeowners were not interested in anything but the money they were getting for rent, I sort of, kind of entertained the idea of moving. Twenty-four hours later, I have a contract on a house. Huh?!?!? Damn hamsters.

Then, I thought, well, this would be a good time to the year long purge of my belongings. This bright idea ended up with me giving away-among other things-all of my books, winter clothes (all of them!), and winter bedding. As it is so hot right now, I can't imagine ever needing those things again. I'm now hoping for a long, hot winter.

After an elaborate moving plan, that involved hiring some teenagers, a friend who is a human dynamo, 2 trucks, and lots of plastic storage bins in a three-phase moving process, I was able to move everything to the new house with as little packing material as possible. Phases one and two was up to me (and my team of well-qualified 14 and 15-year olds...including the former governor of Virginia's lovely daughter) and phase three was up to the military.

It was going so well that I thought I might completely skip the phase of moving where I break out in to hives. Turns out, I only need to see a professional mover and smell just a whiff of a single moving box and it triggers the most horrendous allergic/stress response. Thank God I keep an excellent supply of Benedryl on hand for just about every occasion.

So we moved. Again. Two kids, 11 hamsters, myself, a case of Benedryl, and 10,000 lbs of my most important things. Damn hamsters.