Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

School's been out for less than 48 hours and I'm already in a state of parental henpecked madness. Clearly, I realize, I need a plan. I think it will involve the following components:

• Earplugs
• SPF 70+ sunscreen
• A whistle or bullhorn
• Airplane-sized (purse-sized) bottles of gin
• Benedryl
• A lasso
• At least 3 combination locks
• Duct tape

Let me know if I've missed anything.