Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

The past three weeks on my day planner where supposed to look something like this:

Week 1:

• Go to class
• Do home work
• Coordinate playdates
• Help kids with school work and projects
• Provide home cooked nutritious meals for my family
• Get nearly adequate sleep some nights
• Clean house
• Do laundry
• Prepare for thrilling Girls Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!

Week 2:

• Go to class
• Do home work
• Coordinate playdates
• Help kids with school work and projects
• Provide home cooked nutritious meals for my family
• Get nearly adequate sleep some nights
• Clean house
• Do laundry
• Attend thrilling Girls Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!

Week 3:

• Go to class
• Do home work
• Coordinate playdates
• Help kids with school work and projects
• Provide home cooked nutritious meals for my family
• Get nearly adequate sleep some nights
• Clean house
• Do laundry
• Recover from thrilling Girls Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!

Week 4:

• Go to class
• Do home work
• Coordinate playdates
• Help kids with school work and projects
• Provide home cooked nutritious meals for my family
• Get nearly adequate sleep some nights
• Clean house
• Do laundry
• Reflect upon and plan for next thrilling Girls Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!

This is what my day planner actually looked like:

Week 1:

• Took Child #1 to ER for an apparent allergy to a new medicine (Doctor's appointment #1)
• Dried beloved iPhone 3G off after it was submerged in apple juice
• Took Child #2 to gastroenterologist for initial appointment (Doctor's appointment #2)
• Held screaming Child #2 while unfriendly and inexperienced phlebotomist drew a total of 5 viles of blood from 4 botched locations and 2 non-botched locations on both arms
• Discovered beloved iPhone 3G in bathroom sink with water dripping on it
• Held funeral for aforementioned iPhone 3G.
• Launched a murder investigation.
• Determined I was eligible to spend $300 on a new iPhone (4, this time). Paced order and received shiny new fancy phone.
• Took child #1 to follow-up appointment regarding medicine allergy (Doctor's appointment #3)
• Strep in Child #2 (Doctor's appointment #4)
• Missed class and rushed through school work
• Became sick with flu like/strep-like symptoms myself
• Did laundry, cooked, cleaned, parented

Week 2:

• Secondary infection in Child #2 (Doctor's appointment #5)
• Secondary infection for Mother #1 (Doctor's appointment #6)
• Child #2 broke windshield wiper lever in the "on" position. Had to break it more to make it stop. ($300)
• Early symptoms of respiratory illness in Child #1
• Did laundry, cooked, and parented
• Completed in-class presentation while periodically picking my lungs up off the floor and shoving them back where they belong
• Completed extremely complicated organizational plans for child care for trip
• Attended Thrilling Girls' Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!!! with mild, flu-like symptoms

Week 3:

• Negotiated my return with American Airlines after initial flight home was cancelled
• Recovered from Thrilling Girls' Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!! with mild flu-like symptoms and not-so-mild earache
• Significant respiratory illness with high fever in Child #1 (running all week)
• Exploratory GI diagnostics procedure for Child #2 (Doctor's appointment #7)
• Attended class (barely)
• Laundry, cooking, cleaning
• Mother #1 still not recovered from secondary infection (Refer to doctor's appointment #6 for more information)

Week 4: (And it is only Tuesday!)

• Secondary infection in Child #1 (Doctor's appointment #8, with follow-up appointment next week to rule out asthma)
• Drop shiny new iPhone 4 in toilet at doctor's office while helping Child #2 to wipe her bottom
• Determined that I am no longer eligible for a new iPhone, but I am eligible to pay $800 for a replacement
• Attended the city council meeting that night for a presentation in class this week
• Learned that the solution to dropping a shiny new iPhone 4 in the toilet is to submerge it in a bag of rice for 24-48 hours. (Oh, and strengthen my relationship with God.)
• Buried squirrel that inconveniently dropped dead on my back porch only to be discovered on the way out to taking the kids to school which resulted in a long discussion of how decomposition is great for plants.
• See dermatologist about suspicious, life-threatening mole (Doctor's appointment #9)
• Influenza in Child #2

Upcoming later this week:

• Doctor's appointment #10 for Mother #1 who is not getting better
• Doctor's appointment #11 and #12 for Child #1
• Potential doctor's appointment #13 for Child #2
• Schedule endoscopy for Child #2
• 12 page paper due
• 5 page paper/group project due
• Oral report on city council meeting

Bet you thought the squirrel part was going to be the weirdest part of this whole post, huh?