Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

When I was in high school, I took a very interesting course in drug education. It was very detailed and extensive. However, there is one thing they forgot to mention when dicussing gateway substances....and that is pets.

Last Spring, I made a daring move towards more responsibility and esxpanded our family by three, then twleve, cute little fluffy hamsters. Despite some setbacks, the little hammies grew on us and made us feel like invicible, smart, competent pet owners. Yeah, us.

I realize now that this thinking was flawed, perhaps dangerously so, when one June morning a few days after school let out for the Summer I found myself in a "meet and greet" room at the SPCA...with the kids....and a little, black puppy. Needless to say the rest, as they say, is history.

Now, three months later, my confidence level has hit bottom and I'm now in pet rehab. I don't have time for the standard Twelve Step. Frankly, I think many of the steps are just plain BS. I mean pretty much the only step that really matters is the first one "We admitted we were powerless over cute fluffy animals—that our lives had become unmanageable."

After that it is pretty much all about the return policy. The SPCA has a 30-day return policy. Unfortunately, I was in the grip of the addiction at that point and didn't believe that I my kids could live without Sherlock.

The SPCA, like any dealer, knows what it's doing really. They have figured out that most people don't realize they are in over their heads by the 30-day mark. At that point, they are still trying to convince themselves that it wasn't a mistake and that they can handle it or quit at any time. This let's the dealer SPCA off the hook guilt-free and the new addict owner dazed, confused, and being forced to live out their lives at Dog Lover's Obedience School (sorta like a jailhouse work program) until they get off....for good behavior.

The past three weeks on my day planner where supposed to look something like this:

Week 1:

• Go to class
• Do home work
• Coordinate playdates
• Help kids with school work and projects
• Provide home cooked nutritious meals for my family
• Get nearly adequate sleep some nights
• Clean house
• Do laundry
• Prepare for thrilling Girls Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!

Week 2:

• Go to class
• Do home work
• Coordinate playdates
• Help kids with school work and projects
• Provide home cooked nutritious meals for my family
• Get nearly adequate sleep some nights
• Clean house
• Do laundry
• Attend thrilling Girls Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!

Week 3:

• Go to class
• Do home work
• Coordinate playdates
• Help kids with school work and projects
• Provide home cooked nutritious meals for my family
• Get nearly adequate sleep some nights
• Clean house
• Do laundry
• Recover from thrilling Girls Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!

Week 4:

• Go to class
• Do home work
• Coordinate playdates
• Help kids with school work and projects
• Provide home cooked nutritious meals for my family
• Get nearly adequate sleep some nights
• Clean house
• Do laundry
• Reflect upon and plan for next thrilling Girls Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!

This is what my day planner actually looked like:

Week 1:

• Took Child #1 to ER for an apparent allergy to a new medicine (Doctor's appointment #1)
• Dried beloved iPhone 3G off after it was submerged in apple juice
• Took Child #2 to gastroenterologist for initial appointment (Doctor's appointment #2)
• Held screaming Child #2 while unfriendly and inexperienced phlebotomist drew a total of 5 viles of blood from 4 botched locations and 2 non-botched locations on both arms
• Discovered beloved iPhone 3G in bathroom sink with water dripping on it
• Held funeral for aforementioned iPhone 3G.
• Launched a murder investigation.
• Determined I was eligible to spend $300 on a new iPhone (4, this time). Paced order and received shiny new fancy phone.
• Took child #1 to follow-up appointment regarding medicine allergy (Doctor's appointment #3)
• Strep in Child #2 (Doctor's appointment #4)
• Missed class and rushed through school work
• Became sick with flu like/strep-like symptoms myself
• Did laundry, cooked, cleaned, parented

Week 2:

• Secondary infection in Child #2 (Doctor's appointment #5)
• Secondary infection for Mother #1 (Doctor's appointment #6)
• Child #2 broke windshield wiper lever in the "on" position. Had to break it more to make it stop. ($300)
• Early symptoms of respiratory illness in Child #1
• Did laundry, cooked, and parented
• Completed in-class presentation while periodically picking my lungs up off the floor and shoving them back where they belong
• Completed extremely complicated organizational plans for child care for trip
• Attended Thrilling Girls' Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!!! with mild, flu-like symptoms

Week 3:

• Negotiated my return with American Airlines after initial flight home was cancelled
• Recovered from Thrilling Girls' Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!! with mild flu-like symptoms and not-so-mild earache
• Significant respiratory illness with high fever in Child #1 (running all week)
• Exploratory GI diagnostics procedure for Child #2 (Doctor's appointment #7)
• Attended class (barely)
• Laundry, cooking, cleaning
• Mother #1 still not recovered from secondary infection (Refer to doctor's appointment #6 for more information)

Week 4: (And it is only Tuesday!)

• Secondary infection in Child #1 (Doctor's appointment #8, with follow-up appointment next week to rule out asthma)
• Drop shiny new iPhone 4 in toilet at doctor's office while helping Child #2 to wipe her bottom
• Determined that I am no longer eligible for a new iPhone, but I am eligible to pay $800 for a replacement
• Attended the city council meeting that night for a presentation in class this week
• Learned that the solution to dropping a shiny new iPhone 4 in the toilet is to submerge it in a bag of rice for 24-48 hours. (Oh, and strengthen my relationship with God.)
• Buried squirrel that inconveniently dropped dead on my back porch only to be discovered on the way out to taking the kids to school which resulted in a long discussion of how decomposition is great for plants.
• See dermatologist about suspicious, life-threatening mole (Doctor's appointment #9)
• Influenza in Child #2

Upcoming later this week:

• Doctor's appointment #10 for Mother #1 who is not getting better
• Doctor's appointment #11 and #12 for Child #1
• Potential doctor's appointment #13 for Child #2
• Schedule endoscopy for Child #2
• 12 page paper due
• 5 page paper/group project due
• Oral report on city council meeting

Bet you thought the squirrel part was going to be the weirdest part of this whole post, huh?

Ah, peaceful slumber. Saturday morning. Cozy bed. Warm. Soft. Pillow. Best moment ever.

"Mommy! Rose (the hamster) is stiff! She isn't moving!"

Snort. Gulp. Too early for death.

"What? Is she alive?"
"Yes. She's just standing on the couch. Not moving. I think she heard something."

My son is sick. He's been home from school for two days. Yesterday, when I took my daughter to preschool (5 minutes away), I decided to test leaving him at home by himself for a few minutes. See how it goes. I figured he's sick and not really motivated to make trouble. I was right, but...

Before I left, I wrote down my cell phone number, gave him the phone, and had him make a test call so he can see how it all works. He was confident that he would be fine. I agreed so off I went.

As I was buckling my daughter into the car, my phone rang. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"Nothing. Just wanted to see if it works."
"OK, I'll be back in a few minutes. Bye."

As I was backing out of the parking space, my phone rang. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"I can see you haven't left yet."
"No, I haven't. What did you need?"
"Nothing. Just wanted to see if it still works."
"OK. See you in a few minutes. Bye."

As I was turning into the carpool line, my phone rang. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"Where are you?"
"I'm at Emma's school."
"Oh."
"When will you be back?"
"About 5 minutes."
"OK."
"Bye."

As I was pulling in to the parking space at home, my phone rang. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"How much longer?"
"I'm nearly there."
"OK. I'm going to look out the window for you."
"OK. Bye."

As I was walking up to the back door, my phone rang. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"I can see you."
"Oh, good."
"Bye."

Once I got home, there was a brief reprieve. However, about 30 minutes later, my phone rang. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry to keep calling, but I'm too weak to come downstairs."
"What do you need?"
"I need a snack."

This went on all day. Even after I left the house to go to class.

This morning, I woke up to my cell phone ringing. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"Are you still asleep?"
"No."
"Oh, OK. Just wanted to see if it still works."

Next time, I'm making up a phone number.

I'm just not quite ready to give up on this blog yet. It might be in it's death throes though. I think the main problem is that it is a well-beaten horse. The market is well covered and I don't have sharp enough elbows to bruise the competition.

Anyway, in case I decide to close down the shop, I wanted to make sure I give you some back-up resources, in case you have an emergency.

Product recommendations?: http://www.cracked.com/article_16475_20-baby-products-great-traumatizing-infants.html

Fashion advice?: http://www.amusingplanet.com/2009/05/why-you-shouldnt-let-dads-buy-t-shirts.html

Parent advice?: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_deal_with_ridiculous_parents

Baby naming advice?: http://www.stupidkidnames.com/all-the-stupid-names/

Handling Blu-Tack: http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/jun/19/blu-tack-goggles-health-safety