Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

1. To brush ones teeth.
2. To brush someone elses' teeth.
3. To brush the dog's or cat's teeth (because the vet always says we have to do it).
4. To use (on a toothbrush) as a toilet bowl cleaner. (This is most effective when used on Daddy's toothbrush while he is at work or otherwise indisposed.)
5. To clean a computer keyboard
6. To clean the screen on a new LCD flat-screen TV. (Is not effective on old, crappy and scratched TV screens.)
7. To clean the pen marks off the wall.
8. As a paint and wallpaper remover.
9. As a substitute for diaper cream.
10. As a bedtime snack.
11. As a condiment.
12. As shampoo. (Keep in mind it is not tear-free.)
13. As glue.
14. As furniture polish.
15. As paint. (Comes in various pastel shades. You may also opt to enhance the color with food coloring.)
16. As cosmetics.
17. As glass cleaner.
18. As a DVD/CD scratch remover (or enhancer depending on the formula).
19. As a liquid key (fits really well in a lock).
20. As a hair accessory.
21. As plant food.
22. As a mouse pad.
23. As a staple-less stapler.
24. As fingerpaint.
25. As dishwasher detergent.
26. As shoe polish.
27. On a Q-tip as an ear cleaning substance.
28. On a toothbrush, as a floor cleaner. (Be sure to scrub hard, especially around toilets.)
29. As a stain remover, I mean, cover-up.
30. As caulk.
31. As a body lotion.
32. As a contact lense cleaner and lubricant.
33. On boo boos as a environmentally-friendly antibiotic cream with a nice mentholated sensation as it soaks into open wounds. (See your peditrician if the wound doesn't heal or seems worse after 24 hours.)
34. As jewelry cleaner. Not safe for use on pearls.
35. As a safe and tasty substitute for epicac.
36. As a remote control button lubricant.
37. As a belly-button lint remover.
38. In place of whipped cream on most desserts.
39. As pet food.
40. As a sibling torture device.

Please submit any other off-label uses to Tips From the Trenches.