Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

I was rushing to get ready the other day when Emma came up to me and said, "When I grow-up, I'm going to be a fairy."

In a very atypical response, I said, "That would be fun, but you have to be born a fairy to be a fairy."

Emma burst into tears. I wanted to kick myself. Why would I disagree when I usually play along? Who knows?

Nice work, Mommy.

Then, as I always do when I devastate my children's dreams, I started thinking (read: "justifying") about my actions and I realized that it is important to know that everyone is different. Some people can fly around with disproportionately small wings, others can, well, not.

We can't all be fairies. Like it or not, there is a glass ceiling and it is never too soon to learn about how it works. At least half of the population will not break through this ceiling to become a real live fairy. And, if they do manage to break through, they will probably lose a lot of blood, get shoddy medical care, and die before their time. So really, I'm just saving my daughter from a fate worse than death and giving her a lesson in what it means to be a woman in this day and age. Go, me!

With a history making Inauguration Day rapidly approaching, I've been trying to think of a way to acknowledge the importance of the event in a way that is appropriate to my overall theme of parenting. So, I thought I'd relay the following conversation I had with my 5-year old son, Jack.

Interestingly enough, before the inauguration was really on my radar, it was on Jack's. When I was in the States the other week, I was taking a rainy day trip out to do a little toy shopping. The car was blissfully, almost strangely quiet (especially considering the destination), the rain was tap-tapping on the windows and we were all lost in our thoughts...even Emma who is not a quiet soul.

Suddenly, out of the silence Jack announces, "Mommy, some people have yellow skin."

Surprised at the abrupt, unusual direction of the conversation, I humored him and hoped I wasn't ruining a teaching moment, "Yes, like in Korea. We usually call that Asiatic. Like your friend, Scott."

Jack responded, "And I have white skin."

Me..."Well, yes, people call it white, but it is more cream colored. Not really white like it sounds."

Jack..."And some people have black skin."

Me..."Like your friend, Charles. But there's not really black skin, Jack. Really just different shades of brown. Black is not the best description really."

Jack..."Not like Charles, Mommy...like....like...that man...:

Me..."Which man?"

Jack..."Bar....Bar....Ob....You know, Mommy, the one who's going to be the new president."

Me...(with surprise)..."Oh, Barack Obama."

Jack..."Yes, that's what I said. Barack Obama. He's going to be president."

Me..."You're right, Jack. It is a very important day. Barack Obama becoming president helps break down a wall of sadness in our country and people are very happy. We are watching history and should be proud."

Jack...(with exasperation)..."I know, Mommy. That's what I said!"

Today the Ambassadors of Son and Daugher met for a conference concerning the virtues of sharing. The goal was to come to an agreement on whose is toy is whose in the hopes of reconcilliation on the issue for a future treaty. Unfortunately, initial talks broke down when Ambassador Son reclaimed some territory that he said was his and Ambassador Daughter demonstrated her disappointment by launching a full scale attack. Peace talks could not be re-established, but after hours of deliberation both parties agreed to reconvene in 18 years to see if there was any change in the current policy.

It is after seconds of careful consideration that I am hearby submitting my resignation as the Household Lost Object Locator. I have decided that I am no longer qualified for the aforementioned position and am going to seek employment doing something more closely related to my skills, perhaps Laundry Sock Locator or TV Remote Supervisor.

I'm hoping that my resignation will help motivate our Household Congress to approve my proposed Object Orientation Law which works to address the common household problem of missing items.

Phrases banned by the new law include:

• Do you know where my....is?

  I can't find my....

  But I looked for it!

  I don't know where I saw it last.

  Any another other similar or relating phraseology

Behaviors banned by the new law include:

• Sulking

  Crying

  Whining

  Moaning

  Tantruming

  Wandering around looking lost

Thank you for the opportunity to serve. I will be happy to provide limited on-the-job training to any person hired to fill the position.