Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

Emma adores her big brother and he knows it. Jack spends far too much of his time recently expertly taking advantage of his god-like status with Emma. Usually, it goes something like this:

JACK: Emma, let's see if Tom and Jerry is on Cartoon Network.
EMMA: Ok. Yeah!
JACK: Oh, look it's not Tom and Jerry, but it is Chowder! Yeah! We love this show!

This is followed by Jack excitedly jumping around until Emma catches the wave herself and forgets that she really wanted to see Tom and Jerry in the first place.

Note the expert use of the word "We" and the fact that he roped her in to changing the channel by luring her with her favorite show.

Another conversation I hear regularly usually starts with hushed discussion in a nearby room.

JACK: Emma, do you want a Twix?
EMMA: Ok. Yeah!
JACK: Me, too. Go ask Mommy if we can have some.
EMMA: Ok...Mommy....

Another variant of this discussion is:

JACK: Emma, do you want to go to Toys R Us?
EMMA: Ok. Yeah!
JACK: Me, too. Go ask Mommy if we can.
EMMA: Ok...Mommy....

Emma can also be used as a courier service.

JACK: Emma, do you want a paci?
EMMA: Yes.
JACK: There's one on the floor in my room.
EMMA: Ok.
JACK: When you are in there, can you bring me Marmalade (Jack's lovey)?
EMMA: Sure!

I feel really sorry for Emma some times as she is clearly being used to serve Jack's Greater Plan. However, I think I feel more sorry for Jack when Emma finally figures it all out. I think I'd better get my earplugs ready for that day.

Over the past few weeks one phrase has become very popular at our house. My nearly 6-year old son believes that he is now equipped to make all decisions for himself. He thinks that the end to all arguments is to say, "I make my own decisions!" and storm off in a sulky huff (with the recent addition of firmly shutting his bedroom door behind him). I thought I would have at least another 6 or 7 years before this became a serious concern in my daily life.

On top of this, my son and 2 3/4-year old daughter just can't seem to give each other a break. Lately, we've been in a power struggle, particularly over property rights, and I'm starting to get worried about witnessing Cain & Abel take place on my Cheerio-covered living room floor.

Everything is "Mine! Mine! No, mine!" all day long, it seems. What makes it worse is that now my son yells out (at the peak of every argument), "It's mine! I make my own decisions!" To which my response is "Actually, it's mine! And I make ALL the decisions." Today, that caused both kids to storm off in a huff to their own rooms which turned out to be fine because I got some quality Facebook time in peace.

Anyway, I know this response isn't helpful (unless I want to spend all day on Facebook, of course). My only defense is that I'm driven to it. I don't really think I do make all the decisions. Not only that, but I don't want to make them. Decisions = work. And I have enough of that already.

Not only that, but this puts me, as a parent, in a very tricky spot. After all, the consequences of dealing with this situation could affect whether or not I have a 35-year old, jobless, son living at home with me. I do want him to make his own decisions. And, yes, I even want to give him room to make some bad ones. After all, one day I won't be there to make all his decisions for him. But, I don't think I'm ready for that yet. Even if he is.

Twix candy bars are currently an important snack in our house. Because they are popular, we usually have a good stock of Twix so everyone has enough to share without argument. (Sort of like needing a good stock of toilet paper, just in case.)

This didn't appear to be the case today when Jack decided it was time for a Twix Fix. Usually the Twix package contains 2 sticks of chocolate covered caramel and cookie, but this time the Twix was partially eaten (by the babysitter) the night before. She had broken off half of a stick and left the rest neatly wrapped on the counter. Not only that, but it was the last Twix in the house. A fight or flight mentality was starting to take hold...the kids were gonna fight and I was outta there!

When Emma saw Jack come in the room with a Twix, she decided it was time for her Twix Fix, too. I told Jack that it was the last Twix and that he needed to share it with Emma. He paused, looked at the open package, and took the two pieces (one short and one long) out. This is when I saw the problem for the first time.

Now as can be expected Big Brother gave Little Sister the short stick, but Little Sister wasn't having any of that! She instantly passed Jack the short stick and reached for the long stick. There was another moment of pause. I could almost see Jack salivating over the anticipated snack. He really, REALLY wanted it. I felt bad for him (and me) because I knew Emma would fall apart.

Just as I was getting ready to distract Emma from her forthcoming tantrum, Jack handed her the long stick. Tears welling in his eyes and cheeks going red, he took the short stick and started to retreat to his room to gut it out. Just as I was getting ready to give Jack a big hug and tell him he did a good job, Emma yelled "Wait, Jack!" and gave him a big hug and kiss. "Thank you, Jack. That was so nice!" she said. It was a tear jerker, I have to say.

So, you ask, what was the lesson learned? When the stakes are high, you may be surprised at what your children have learned (but NEVER demonstrated).