Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

Generally, I think that most kids are ok. Some may take a step or two in the wrong direction at times, but for the most part, they mean well enough. Even mine.

Well, I've finally met the kid who has shifted my paradigm about 179 degrees from where it was. I don't think it will take me long for it to shift that last degree either.

It's a bit ironic since I posted recently about bullying, but my son has recently encountered the playground bully. He's not even in third grade! He's in first grade, like my son. That fancy "blacktop day" plan didn't work very well, did it? Big shock there!

Anyway, this charming little character kicked my son in the stomach while I watched a few weeks ago. My son, of course, completely collapsed in tears and I came to his aid. I took my son over to the other child and asked him why he just kicked my son in the stomach. The bully replied, "'Cause I felt like it." I asked the boy to apologize and he refused.

This wasn't the end of the conversation. I don't really feel like providing all the gory details, but I actually caught myself saying, "Young man, that is not an acceptable way to speak to an adult!" (Yes, I really said EXACTLY those words.)

This kid made me almost lose control of my rational behavior. I couldn't believe the things this little person was saying to me, a (sometimes) grown-up. After channeling my anger into a calm, but pointed discussion with the 7-year old's inattentive, adult babysitter, she ended-up taking him home thinking. We left and, although I was angry, I realized that I probably wouldn't recognize the kid if I saw him again.

As we were leaving, my 3-year old daughter reminded me that this is the same punk child that punched her over the winter one day after the school let out. I'd forgotten, but she is correct. It is the same punk child. Then I just got mad all over again.

I've never had that happen. Usually, when a kid gets caught and is confronted, they just apologize and that's the end of it.I'm not proud to say that I actually had an argument with this kid. I reminded my son what he needed to do if he had another problem with this kid and followed-up on it, but otherwise let it go until today.

I took the kids to my daughter's preschool's "Family Fun Night". The preschool is run out of the church I go to and it's a good place. There's was lots of noise and chaos. All in all, a "good" time. Then the cakewalk began and all the kids dashed to get in line.

The kids and I are standing in line waiting for our turn when I see my son pale suddenly. I thought he was going to be sick. I asked him if he was ok and he pointed to the kid that had just pushed him out his place in line.

When I glanced over, I saw it. It was the delinquent first grader again! We made eye contact and he recognized me right away, but instead of refocusing on something else (an indication that he might have felt chastized as a result of our previous encounters), he made a point of boring a hole in my brain with his eyeballs. A true sociopathic stare. Only once in my entire life have I met someone like that before and that person was a criminal of the worst kind. It was frightening.

What makes such a young boy be so fundamentally flawed? So depressing because the answers to that question can't be good.

Anyway, my goal here is mostly to tell a venting story. I don't really have a point at all. I was completely floored by the encounter and, to be quite honest, more than a little bit frightened by it. At least now I'm armed with the kid's name and a pretty good plan in place should other encounter occur....that should help, right?

GROWING UP SUCKS!

This morning on the way to school Jack, who is in first grade, announced that it was "black top day" today. Like a fool, I asked what that meant and he explained that black top day was when the first graders had to play on the playground black top so that the third graders could play on the playground equipment (slides, swings, etc.)

A little confused, I felt relief, at first. I was glad that someone had created a procedure to minimize bullying during recess. Then, upon reflection, I was just confused. Wait a second, I thought. We're talking about first and third graders here. What the....

When did elementary school become so risky and hard to manage that a few playground monitors can't keep up with the bad guys on the playground? What happened to hoping for the best and training them for the worst? (e.g Tell a teacher if someone does something you don't like.)

I don't want my child to be bullied or to bully someone else, but how are they ever going to learn to handle bullying if they don't have exposure to it while the bullying is on a first/third grade level. I don't want Jack's first encounter with a mean kids to be on the bus as the child pummels him to a pulp. I want him to get used to setting boundaries now!

Not only that, but isn't this also the time when children should be required to be together so that they can start taking care of each other? If we segregate them, aren't we giving the third graders more power? Aren't we just telling them, hey, look at how much we fear what you can do?

Come on, people! Let's be reasonable. Isn't there a better way to teach kids about life while also keeping them safe?

ME: Jack, don't forget you have to finish your homework before you go to school this morning.
JACK: But I don't want to.
ME: Well, you have to.
JACK: But I'm tired.
ME: Well, after you take a nap, you can finish it. Would you like me to tuck you in?
JACK: No! I don't want to.
ME: Jack, homework is part of your job. Just be thankful you don't have to work in a factory.

So, I was talking to my son's first grade room mother (no, it's not a legally binding relationship) about the upcoming class' Holiday-Mas party on the last day of school before the Winter-Mas Break (tomorrow at the time of this writing).

I was volunteering to do my part and in a flight of whimsy about classroom parties of my youth said, "it should be fun. At least, I hope they have more fun than the Halloween Fall party. Party days were so fun at school!"
To which she replied, "what do you mean?"
And I said, "well, they all just sat in their chairs and had to be quiet." (They had a sub that day, so I thought that was the reason why it was dull.)
To which she said, "They have to sit down or they will get in trouble."
Me: "Huh?"
She: "It would be dangerous and disrespectful for them to be out of their chairs. Someone would come and tell them to sit down."
Me: "Huh!? That's ridiculous. They should play some games. They are old enough to be told that they have to play at an appropriate level."
She: "Oh, no. They can't take that risk."

Not only that, but there is nary a speck of sugar on the list of food items being brought in for the party!!!!!!

School lunch is an interesting topic. I doubt too many people would agree that the nutritional value of school lunch is, at least at times, pretty questionable, but it is convenient and cheap. (Isn't that what the fast food giants say, too? Interesting.)

My son and I used to have daily debates about lunch that involved me checking the published menu and negotiating whether or not he would take lunch. By the time we brokered a deal, I'd spent more time on talking about lunch than I would have spent making it.

So, I started making it everyday only to find him coming home with the healthiest parts leftover in his lunch bag. Then, I would spend each day pointing out what he should be eating instead of what he was eating since they don't bother to teach nutrition in schools while it matters the most. (Hmmm, obesity problem? Why not educate them early and often? But that's another soap box.)

After two years of honing my methods, I realized that my lunch strategy was simple AND effective! Basically, my lunch tips come down to two issues outlined below with my suggested solutions. So here goes:

Problem 1: Child doesn't want to eat school lunch.
Solution A: Progressively make home made lunches less palatable.
Solution B: Hide the food so that every once in a while you can say "I don't have anything to give you. You'll have to eat at school today."

Problem 2: Child doesn't eat the most nutritional parts of the home made lunch. (Why do those pieces of fruit or the carrots always come home?)
Solution: Slightly underfeed the child so that he/she is hungry enough to eat everything. Works every time!

Be sure to offer a nutritional snack at pick-up or as soon as he/she gets home. See here for tips on providing healthy snacks.

Happy eating!

Why can't school projects be made of materials that rot so I know when to throw them away?

My son has suddenly started "spell speaking". Since he can't really spell yet it makes for some interesting comments. For example, he will spell a word and then ask me what the word is. So the conversation typically goes like this:

HIM: "Mommy, what does X-Y-O-N-A-N-F-H-W spell?"
ME: "Nothing."
HIM: "No! Tell me. What does it spell?"
ME: "Zee on anph hwa."
HIM: "Mommy, that's not a word."

The worst part is that my 3-year old tries to get in on the act as well. Same conversation. Different letters.

The other fun part is hearing the new colloquialisms re-tooled. Here are some of the more recent interpretations:

• What the C?
• I F-A-T you!
• Oh, my G-O-B.

As you can see, it's time to clean up the household vernacular because one day soon, he's going to get it right.

Things are looking up on the school front this week. All the spelling words relate to the word "at"...cat, rat, fat, pat, etc. Thank God for small favors 'cause I was really dreading having to google "how many times can you repeat first grade if your mother can't teach you to spell".

On the downside, the kid who can't yet spell "said" has to write a personal vision statement. I just want to know if he can also do mine at the same time.

What a strange couple of weeks it has been. I know I'm badly behind in updating my blog, but life has swept me away again in its undertow and the life raft just caught up with me. (Too bad the life preserver hit me in the head before I caught it.)

On the bright side, school and preschool have started and I've got myself a cute little writing job writing (responsibly) about parenting for Examiner.

On the dark side, school and preschool have started and I've got myself a surprisingly time consuming little job writing (responsibly) about parenting for Examiner.

Some other random thoughts about the past two weeks....

My son's first grade teacher is a mathaholic. I am not. When the homework sheet announced "test on ordinal numbers on Friday", I had to google "ordinal numbers" to find out what they were.

My son's teacher doesn't seem to like to give detailed directions and suggestions for how to complete homework. Given the fact that I am a newbie elementary school parent with a Master of Education in Language Arts, I have no idea how to teach a tired, albeit smart, 6-year old how to learn to spell 10 words in 4 days. When he gets tested, I am, too. First grade should not be nearly so stressful for me.

My beautiful little girl turns 3 in 36 hours and when I reflect I am astounded at how much life has been lived in these past 3 years. I should have known I was in for it when, after 5 fun-filled days in labor, my little bundle of joy shot into this world without enough warning to get an epidural (despite the 5 days of notice, that is). Didn't know you could get PTSD from having a baby, did ya? Well, just remember that next time you go in to the hospital at 42 weeks with labor pains and a "slow leak" and they send you home saying you are fine! Five days and three hospital visits later, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown (and so did the nurses). Yes, I know, I tell this story too much. I feel like I really earned this one though. And, yes, I'm still bitter, but I digress....

Having said all that, my little one is amazing. She knows what she wants and she settles for no less. She is independent, smart, funny, and has VERY high standards, even at 2 am. I try to remember, when my will is being tested, that these things will make her a force to be reckoned with. I try to remember that this is the woman I want her to be when it is her turn to be 36 and I am probably dead from lack of sleep. I know in my heart that when I google "woman", I want to see her picture on the wiki-page that comes up. When I remember that I know I will survive.

Oh, did I mention. Somehow I ended up joining the PTA board. Huh? I resisted the urge to google "PTA". It was more fun to think of all the possibilities.