Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

The past three weeks on my day planner where supposed to look something like this:

Week 1:

• Go to class
• Do home work
• Coordinate playdates
• Help kids with school work and projects
• Provide home cooked nutritious meals for my family
• Get nearly adequate sleep some nights
• Clean house
• Do laundry
• Prepare for thrilling Girls Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!

Week 2:

• Go to class
• Do home work
• Coordinate playdates
• Help kids with school work and projects
• Provide home cooked nutritious meals for my family
• Get nearly adequate sleep some nights
• Clean house
• Do laundry
• Attend thrilling Girls Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!

Week 3:

• Go to class
• Do home work
• Coordinate playdates
• Help kids with school work and projects
• Provide home cooked nutritious meals for my family
• Get nearly adequate sleep some nights
• Clean house
• Do laundry
• Recover from thrilling Girls Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!

Week 4:

• Go to class
• Do home work
• Coordinate playdates
• Help kids with school work and projects
• Provide home cooked nutritious meals for my family
• Get nearly adequate sleep some nights
• Clean house
• Do laundry
• Reflect upon and plan for next thrilling Girls Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!

This is what my day planner actually looked like:

Week 1:

• Took Child #1 to ER for an apparent allergy to a new medicine (Doctor's appointment #1)
• Dried beloved iPhone 3G off after it was submerged in apple juice
• Took Child #2 to gastroenterologist for initial appointment (Doctor's appointment #2)
• Held screaming Child #2 while unfriendly and inexperienced phlebotomist drew a total of 5 viles of blood from 4 botched locations and 2 non-botched locations on both arms
• Discovered beloved iPhone 3G in bathroom sink with water dripping on it
• Held funeral for aforementioned iPhone 3G.
• Launched a murder investigation.
• Determined I was eligible to spend $300 on a new iPhone (4, this time). Paced order and received shiny new fancy phone.
• Took child #1 to follow-up appointment regarding medicine allergy (Doctor's appointment #3)
• Strep in Child #2 (Doctor's appointment #4)
• Missed class and rushed through school work
• Became sick with flu like/strep-like symptoms myself
• Did laundry, cooked, cleaned, parented

Week 2:

• Secondary infection in Child #2 (Doctor's appointment #5)
• Secondary infection for Mother #1 (Doctor's appointment #6)
• Child #2 broke windshield wiper lever in the "on" position. Had to break it more to make it stop. ($300)
• Early symptoms of respiratory illness in Child #1
• Did laundry, cooked, and parented
• Completed in-class presentation while periodically picking my lungs up off the floor and shoving them back where they belong
• Completed extremely complicated organizational plans for child care for trip
• Attended Thrilling Girls' Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!!! with mild, flu-like symptoms

Week 3:

• Negotiated my return with American Airlines after initial flight home was cancelled
• Recovered from Thrilling Girls' Weekend Away in VEGAS!!!! with mild flu-like symptoms and not-so-mild earache
• Significant respiratory illness with high fever in Child #1 (running all week)
• Exploratory GI diagnostics procedure for Child #2 (Doctor's appointment #7)
• Attended class (barely)
• Laundry, cooking, cleaning
• Mother #1 still not recovered from secondary infection (Refer to doctor's appointment #6 for more information)

Week 4: (And it is only Tuesday!)

• Secondary infection in Child #1 (Doctor's appointment #8, with follow-up appointment next week to rule out asthma)
• Drop shiny new iPhone 4 in toilet at doctor's office while helping Child #2 to wipe her bottom
• Determined that I am no longer eligible for a new iPhone, but I am eligible to pay $800 for a replacement
• Attended the city council meeting that night for a presentation in class this week
• Learned that the solution to dropping a shiny new iPhone 4 in the toilet is to submerge it in a bag of rice for 24-48 hours. (Oh, and strengthen my relationship with God.)
• Buried squirrel that inconveniently dropped dead on my back porch only to be discovered on the way out to taking the kids to school which resulted in a long discussion of how decomposition is great for plants.
• See dermatologist about suspicious, life-threatening mole (Doctor's appointment #9)
• Influenza in Child #2

Upcoming later this week:

• Doctor's appointment #10 for Mother #1 who is not getting better
• Doctor's appointment #11 and #12 for Child #1
• Potential doctor's appointment #13 for Child #2
• Schedule endoscopy for Child #2
• 12 page paper due
• 5 page paper/group project due
• Oral report on city council meeting

Bet you thought the squirrel part was going to be the weirdest part of this whole post, huh?

My son is sick. He's been home from school for two days. Yesterday, when I took my daughter to preschool (5 minutes away), I decided to test leaving him at home by himself for a few minutes. See how it goes. I figured he's sick and not really motivated to make trouble. I was right, but...

Before I left, I wrote down my cell phone number, gave him the phone, and had him make a test call so he can see how it all works. He was confident that he would be fine. I agreed so off I went.

As I was buckling my daughter into the car, my phone rang. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"Nothing. Just wanted to see if it works."
"OK, I'll be back in a few minutes. Bye."

As I was backing out of the parking space, my phone rang. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"I can see you haven't left yet."
"No, I haven't. What did you need?"
"Nothing. Just wanted to see if it still works."
"OK. See you in a few minutes. Bye."

As I was turning into the carpool line, my phone rang. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"Where are you?"
"I'm at Emma's school."
"Oh."
"When will you be back?"
"About 5 minutes."
"OK."
"Bye."

As I was pulling in to the parking space at home, my phone rang. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"How much longer?"
"I'm nearly there."
"OK. I'm going to look out the window for you."
"OK. Bye."

As I was walking up to the back door, my phone rang. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"I can see you."
"Oh, good."
"Bye."

Once I got home, there was a brief reprieve. However, about 30 minutes later, my phone rang. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry to keep calling, but I'm too weak to come downstairs."
"What do you need?"
"I need a snack."

This went on all day. Even after I left the house to go to class.

This morning, I woke up to my cell phone ringing. It was Jack.

"Mommy?"
"Yes?"
"Are you still asleep?"
"No."
"Oh, OK. Just wanted to see if it still works."

Next time, I'm making up a phone number.

Emma is a bad sleeper. Waking up multiple times a night is more common than sleeping through. She's been in a wake-up phase recently and usually once I'm "on to her" I can get some reprieve by telling her at bedtime I am nearby, but will not come unless it is important. I make her repeat that she will not call me if she wakes up. Usually, this makes a small amount of difference.

So last night, as I was kissing her good night, I reminded her that I wouldn't be coming in. She agreed and said "only if I'm sick." "That's right. I'll come if you got sick and needed me to give you medicine or something." "OK, Mommy. Night night."

Then, at 1:32 AM, I'm pulled from a rare deep sleep by Emma yelling "Mommy, I think I'm going to be sick!"

I leap out of bed before I'm even awake and rush to her room to find her all cozy in bed waiting for me.

She repeated herself and said, "Mommy, I think a drink would make me feel better."

In a daze, I handed her the cup that was FULL BESIDE HER BED, told her that she was naughty, and went back to bed where I tossed and turned for the next 2 hours until I finally passed out.

Looking back on it now, I should have spiked her drink.

....an Air Freshener War.

Bet you are wondering what that is, aren't you?

Well, for your future reference, an Air Freshener War is when you are on the phone trying to work out a complicated technical problem with your hosting server (a problem which requires the technical support rep to use phrases, such as "we call this a hail mary attempt" and "when was the last time you did a database backup?") and your attention-deprived children who have  become bored waiting for your undivided attention discover two room air fresheners. The war part is pretty self-explanatory.

The result is also self-explanatory.

The nausea is unexpected.

Ah, I bet that word conjures up many a happy memory for most of my readers. And even if getting trashed didn't end up exactly like you planned one night, I bet it didn't end up like this (unless you are REALLY unlucky, that is):




Now this is not my first "messy house" post (see here, here, and here for some other examples) and it is unlikely to be my last (after all, it is fertile ground, you know); but you really have to appreciate the totality with which the distruction occurred in a mere 25 minutes.

How do I know you ask? I know because I finished tidying up and vaccuming, and then immediately ordered pizza. Then, I went in the kitchen to work on some Christmas cooking. Twenty-five minutes later (I checked my watch upon arrival) when the door bell rang for the delivery guy, I came out to this.

For those of you who know me, you have probably figured out that I don't predict results particularly well. I'm habitually clumsy and am often surprised when disaster rears its ugly, vicious, fire breathing head. I've even, through extensive research, scientifically determined that in an emergency, I most likely would go out in a panicked blaze of unpreparedness.

Which brings me to a "quiet" morning (about 6 weeks ago) at the top of my stairs. I was listening to the kids peacefully discuss whose fault it was that the walls got accidentally painted in green Crayola paint while thinking about a lovely dream I'd had the night before where I was on a plane crashing in to the North Pole (must be thinking about Christmas shopping already). I'd just arranged to drop my kids with my MIL so I could get some errands done at lightening speed in preparation for our 2-week beach vacation in three days which also happen to coincide with my son's sixth birthday. (The numbers alone are staggering.)

It was then that I started my tenth leisurely stroll that morning down the stairs. I didn't think I was unusually distracted, but that's what I get for thinking, I guess. The next thing I remember was a nasty popping, cracking sound accompanied by a wrenching, ripping, popping sensation and MEGA PAIN! I was lying on the floor at the bottom of the stairs calmly reviewing my emergency preparedness plan while screaming some of my long lost-to-parenting favorite words.

It took a couple of seconds before I realized that my kids were standing in the doorway looking a little worried. The problem was I was alone with 2 young children and I was totally out of my mind in pain.

Lucky me, I'd fallen near my handbag. I was able to extract my newly acquired iPhone and began to call by EMT brother for advice. I was pretty sure I'd broken my leg in half, but I very reasonably wanted to check with him first. (I was very calm, you see.) When he didn't answer, I called just about everyone else in my phone. No one was answering. I was starting to sweat because of the pain. The only thing I could think of was that I didn't want to call my sister-in-law because she just started her job and it would not be good if she had to leave unexpectedly.

After not being able to reach my husband who was a 2-hour drive away, I decided that calling my SIL was the only option. Of course, she answered on the first ring. And, of course, immediately came to help. She was able to get in touch with my EMT brother who told me to call an ambulance. Which I did.

Then, I realized it was time for a little damage control. I smiled bewitchingly at my children, explained that I had fallen down the stairs (duh!), that I thought I'd broken my leg (duh!), and that they were not to worry because I'd called an ambulance and both Uncle Hugh and "Tato" were coming to help. I also slipped in a mention that they were not to repeat any of the new words they might have learned that morning.

It was at this point that I realized my front door is both locked and ridiculously hard for me to open. All at once, I knew that I couldn't do it and it would be almost impossible for my son. I was imagining the fire department showing up and breaking down the door to get to me lying gracelessly at the bottom of the stairs surrounded in packing materials from our move a few days earlier.

Fortunately, my son understood the importance of what he needed to do. (After I explained it, of course, in response to the "but I can't" complaints.) Just in time, he was able to turn the key and yank the door open as the ambulance, my brother, and his wife pulled up.

It turned out that the paramedics didn't think it was majorly broken and they were able to wheel me down the front steps to my brother's car in an odd wheel chair contraption so he could take me to the ER and they could get on with helping people who really needed it. After a surprisingly quick ER trip, I was booted, crutched, and returned to the ever patient hands of my children who were none the worse for wear. (Except a near paralyzing fear of the stairs, that is.)

To make a short story even longer, here's the moral. Plan a little. Even a teeny, tiny bit. Many of us, especially if you are a military spouse, spend enormous amounts of time alone for extended periods (days, weeks, even months). Prepare yourself and your kids for when something "out of the ordinary" happens. Explain what they would have to do if an ambulance arrived at your house one day. Let them know that an "official" (Child and Family Services) might be responsible for getting them to a family member safely if you cannot drive them there yourself. Show them where the phone is. Discuss your emergency plan with people upon whom you expect to rely for help. And, above all, remind them that they should always wear clean underwear and mind their manners.