Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

We're all hyped-up on Easter candy at my house. After a fun day of reasonable games of egg hunting, candy, and other Easter fare, you'd think they'd be all tapped out. But, no. Any experienced parent will tell you that sugar and excitement don't mix well. (Not as well as, say, a gin and tonic or strawberries and cream.)

So, here I am listening to 2 brilliantly contrived, really, really annoying games.

1. The Round-and-Round game
2. The Cry Like a Baby game

The Round-and-Round game is just like it sounds. Running round and round and round and round the coffee table saying "Look, Mommy. I'm running round and round" at each turn around the coffee table. "Look, Mommy. I'm running round and round." Look, Mommy. I'm running round and round." "Look, Mommy. I'm running round and round." You get the picture.

Now, that is bad, but the Cry Like a Baby game is by far the worst. The game is also quite simple. Cry like a baby. The kid who can cry the loudest wins! Points are given for volume, pitch, and realism.

It's times like this when I reflect back on the ill-fated, overly romantic decision to have a second child, I seem to remember that part of that decision was the dream that one day they could play together.

Well, apparently, I'd had too much gin and tonic that day and I think I must have somehow also incorporated the idea of peace in to those play times. Never did I picture the Cry Like a Baby game. Never. It's bad enough to hear a baby crying for real...just imagine the repercussions of crying as a GAME!

So I'd also like to take minute to thank the Easter Bunny for his/her delivery this year. It is greatly appreciated and deeply meaningful that he/she thought of us.

But next year, I'm not buying a calendar, watching, TV, or shopping in the hopes that I will never know when it's coming round and round again.

Oh, swell. It looks like they are moving on to the Throw the Uncapped Free-from-the-Community Egg Hunt Highlighter at Each Other Naked game. Gotta run.

Child 1: Let's play "Baby".
Child 2: OK, I'm the Daddy and you're the Mommy.
Child 1: They are the babies.
Child 2: OK, I'll get the guns.

Dear Tips from the Trenches:

After reading your blog for at least 30 seconds, I was relieved and bolstered to see such thoughtful, sensible ideas for practical parenting. Your "40 Off-Label Uses for Toothpaste" post really helped me see that I've been under-utilizing toothpaste for years. In addition, your "Twix Fix" story brought me to tears. You are SUCH a good parent.

It also made me realize that you may have some good ideas for one of the biggest parenting problems I encounter....playdates. When I hear the word "playdate" my situationally-occuring ulcer starts to bleed. (It's pretty ornery that way.) Occasionally before a scheduled playdate I'll even wake-up the night before in a cold sweat. To me, the best playdate is one that involves substantial amounts of wine.

Please, please, please give me some ideas for making the p...p...p...lay..d...date less painful.

Please help me before I bleed-out,
Ulcerating in Myanmar

Dear Ulcerating:

Playdates are indeed one of the most challenges items on any parents "to do" list. In fact, they used to top my own "never do" list until I learned the following tips. I hope they will help you as much as they helped me.

First and foremost, the best action is preventative action. Instead of waiting for the playdate to start before you crack open your merlot or chardonnay, make sure that you ingest a minimum of 4 ozs of alcohol per child per hour of the playdate at least one hour prior to arrival. No more, no less.

Second, when scheduling your playdate, remember, a playdate should always end at least 45 minutes before you think it will. Usually this means before you get to the nitty gritty of the local gossip, you should be putting on your shoes and locating your sippy cups.

Third, be sure to have lots of movies on hand that the visitng children would not normally be allowed to watch at home. When things get tough, pop in a movie and you will experience a peace that you have not felt since you last slept through the night.

Fourth, charge up your iPod and go buy yourself some nice noise cancelling headphones. Keep them handy for those moments when redirection just doesn't do the trick. Vacuuming is a low-cost alternative to this method.

Fifth, plan a continuously flowing supply of food and drinks. The more systemically toxic, the better. I found that reading labels can help you here. The less ingredients you recognize, the better chance you have of it placating young minds and bodies.

Sixth, keep in mind that "don't ask; don't tell" is an important guiding principle for any playdate. For example, NEVER, EVER, EVER ask the child if he/she is allowed to do something at home. Your house, your rules. The less you know, the better.

Seventh, usually silence is the kiss of death when your children are playing alone, but the same rule does not apply on playdates. Silence is golden. Never forget it.

Eighth, don't clean up your living quarters prior to the playdate. Kids love projects. Put them to work. Suitable projects include cleaning the floors, sorting laundry, washing windows, loading the dishwasher, collecting trash and disposing of it, and don't forget all those annoying tasks that your hands and fingers are just too big to reach.

Ninth, block all exits from the premises. This will allow you to socialize in peace...well, realistically, you don't have much hope of that, but it should help make things a bit easier.

Lastly, remember the only way to conquer your fears is to dive right in and face them. Mano-a-mano. So drink up (I have a great recipe for Maalox Merlot) and get playing!

Let me know how it goes.

Yours in playdate parenting bliss,
Tips from the Trenches, Your Practical Parenting Connection

It's no wonder when your 5-year old announces that he wants to "go play at the playground" that a chill runs down your spine and your stomach makes a desperate, last ditch attempt to leave your body. The argument that the playground "is closed" just doesn't work here any more. For kids, at least, the playground is where the action is. It has all the appeal of Las Vegas, the city that never sleeps. What happens on the playground stays on the playground.

My parental point of view is a little different. If you've spent any time on the playground at any point in your life, you probably already know that the playground is more like another day in Washington. Conservative against liberals. Special interest groups lobbying for their best deal. Hard core versus the half-hearted.

Anything and everything that is possible will be done by children and witnessed by parents day in and day out. And some things will not be witnessed and that in itself can create an incident of international proportions.

Also, the playground is a very tricky place because that is where parenting differences tend to rear their ugly heads. Parental anarchy. For some parents, it's ok to bring your afternoon class of wine with you and for others it isn't. For some parents, it's ok to sit and watch as your child pushes other children down the slide using his foot (and a swift, but firm, kicking motion). For some parents, it's ok to parent another person's child as if they are their own, no holds barred. For some parents, they just don't know what the heck to do with any of it.

For the kids, the playground is where the politics of childhood happens. It's where the experienced politicians take on the lesser experienced ones and deals are brokered. Play dates. Property swaps. Peace treaties. Propaganda distribution.

When I head to the playground, I don't want to deal with any of this. I never wanted to live in Washington. (Vegas, maybe, but not Washington.) I just want to go and let the kids romp and wear themselves out for bed.

But next time I brave the playground with my kids, I'll try to remember that the playground is not just the venue for play. It's practice for living in the big, bad world. City of lights, city of hope, and city of Justia Omnibus ("Justice for All"). If I don't let them learn it on the playground, they'll have to learn it in the big, bad world.