Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

When left to their own devices children will create their own functional microchosm. It took my kids less than an hour to come to this point.

After a busy Thanksgiving, I was taking a little time out in my bed reading and listening to the kids play. I knew my time was up when I hear the following conversation:

JACK: Hey, Emma. Let's go outside.
EMMA: OK.
JACK: We can play deer hunter. You are the deer and I am the hunter.
EMMA: OK.

Sounds of back door opening.

JACK: I'll shoot you. When you get hit, you lie down. OK?
EMMA: OK.
JACK: Now, run! Fast!

Isn't there some book about that?  If not, I'm gonna write it.

Last night I went to see the Barenaked Ladies in REAL LIFE!!! I love BNL and have been waiting to see them for years since the last two attempts I made to see them flamed out in the execution phase.

It was a great show despite the 90+ degrees it was, but about halfway through the show I was distracted by a thought for about 10 minutes. The thought? Probably a question that many people as themselves when they see a concert..."What was the last concert I saw?"

I sat there racking my brain for the answer when it suddenly came in to focus. The last concert I saw was...The Wiggles when I was pregnant with Emma.

I was shocked (and slightly embarrassed)! The Wiggles? Really. Oh, how far I have fallen. The fact that I even list the Wiggles as a concert on my lengthy list of concert experiences seems a bit sad. That I enjoyed them, a bit pathetic. Even more sadly, I've seen them twice. (An honor shared only by George Thorogood, the Temptations, and Billy Joel.)

And when I realized that it really was The Wiggles, I found myself looking around to see if anyone could tell what I was thinking. Checked to make sure I was dancing and going-on as a grown adult at a concert. How could I ever be the same? Thank God, I apparently made a good real concert-poser and disguised my sordid past well.

I actually went through a mental "compare and contrast" process between BNL and the Wiggles. Turns out, in essence, the two weren't all that dissimilar. Both concerts were lively performances by skilled musicians who possess a level of musical intelligence of which I have only dreamed. The main difference was that the Wiggles started at 3 pm.

I wonder if they would ever consider doing a show together. BNL does have a really excellent children's album.

I was rushing to get ready the other day when Emma came up to me and said, "When I grow-up, I'm going to be a fairy."

In a very atypical response, I said, "That would be fun, but you have to be born a fairy to be a fairy."

Emma burst into tears. I wanted to kick myself. Why would I disagree when I usually play along? Who knows?

Nice work, Mommy.

Then, as I always do when I devastate my children's dreams, I started thinking (read: "justifying") about my actions and I realized that it is important to know that everyone is different. Some people can fly around with disproportionately small wings, others can, well, not.

We can't all be fairies. Like it or not, there is a glass ceiling and it is never too soon to learn about how it works. At least half of the population will not break through this ceiling to become a real live fairy. And, if they do manage to break through, they will probably lose a lot of blood, get shoddy medical care, and die before their time. So really, I'm just saving my daughter from a fate worse than death and giving her a lesson in what it means to be a woman in this day and age. Go, me!

In the spirit of Bloggy Love and good Christian hospitality, TftT is thrilled to welcome an anonymous guest poster today. Please welcome her into your homes as you would your own house of prayer.

Hi! How was your Sunday? Oh, we haven't met? Sorry! I'm anonymous military spouse/disgruntled chapel-goer. Nice to meet you! I just know you're dying to hear all my thoughts on the chapel on base this fine Sunday morning, right?

I went down there this morning with my husband and two small children. We've tried all the English speaking churches around here and don't really like any of them. It didn't take long; there are only three. The chapel is really convenient, and roomy. There's all these families here now and they keep talking up how great it is for families now, lots of new housing, facilities and programs. I thought the chapel would be great, nice and welcoming, maybe with a nursery and/or Sunday school for the kids. Jesus loves the little children, right? There's even a song, for God's sake! I guess the chapel here didn't get the memo, because they obviously hate children and don't want them around at all.

There was no Sunday school or nursery at the service we went to, so we sat way in the back by ourselves. There weren't many people there, so we weren't bothering anyone. There is a little room in the back, intended for crying babies, but it appears to be full of musical equipment. Our two-year old isn't too good at going to church yet, so I took him out pretty quickly. At the end, I came back in to pick some tags off the Angel Tree so we can get some gifts for less fortunate children. While we were discussing why some kids need Angel Tree gifts, the almighty holy colonel in his shiny robe was making an enormous fuss in the back pew, calibrated precisely for our 'benefit': 'Cracker crumbs! Someone ate a cracker back here and there are crumbs all over!' Keep in mind there were less than ten people at the service and he knew exactly what he was doing.

• Keep your grimy kids out of our church;
• We don't care enough about our community to offer childcare or children's church so families can come;
• The chapel floor is more important than a kid's feelings; and
• Passive aggression is the way to go.

Is that what Jesus would do? I don't think so. He would definitely write a blog post about it, though.

I think this post may explain a lot. Maybe a lot more to me than anyone else, but that's not a bad thing.

A little background: I was born in England and moved to the US when I was between 8 and 9 years old. I am the child of British parents (not American military or anything like that). I was very young when I moved, but it turns out it has a much greater impact than one might think.

Consider this...

Imagine not having the following reference points in your life:

• Sesame Street
• Mr. Roger's
• Mary Poppins
• The Brady Bunch
• The Electric Company
• Saturday morning cartoons
• Sid and Marty Krofft
• School House Rock
• Smurfs, Strawberry Shortcake, My Little Pony, GI Joe, Hot Wheels

Now instead, imagine you have these references:

• Blue Peter
• Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
• Monkey (Monkey Magic)
• Fawlty Towers
• Bagpuss
• The Clangers
• Noddy (The real one, not that weird version on Noggin.)
• The Magic Roundabout
• Play School
• Jamie and the Magic Torch
• Mr. Benn
• Basil Brush
• The Adventure Game
• It's a Knockout
• And I could go on...

There was some spillover:

• Dukes of Hazzard
• Dallas (I never really saw this, just the beginning as I was on my way to bed, but I do remember the "Who shot JR?" drama.)
• Pink Panther
• Tom and Jerry
• Honk Kong Phooey
• Top Cat
• The Banana Splitz (with some British and some American cartoons)

Now imagine that everything you really knew about the US was encapsulated in these TV shows. Back then, the Brits really did feel that Americans were all Texans.

It really amazes me how much, even to this day, there is a disconnect between what I know and think and what American folk know and think, just because of this cultural mishmash. I cannot typically participate in conversations about US pop culture of this time which can be quite frustrating. Music, television, food (e.g. peanut butter and jelly....yuck!), clothes, school, my understanding of the news of the time (e.g. Not as much Vietnam as Falklan Islands. Rooting for the Brits during the Olympics.). Everything is different.

It even affects my parenting. For example, I never watched Sesame Street until I saw it with my kids and I really dislike it. It actually pains me to watch it. I just don't get all the hype. As a result, we hardly ever watch it which means my kids will suffer from a disconnect similar to mine unless I deliberately choose otherwise. Being culturally literate is so important, so I have to choose Sesame Street some times. But, interestingly enough, my kids don't have any interest in it either.

My favorite kids show for my children is Charlie and Lola because it speaks my language, literally. (Well, that and Tom and Jerry, of course.)

Anyway, this post wasn't really designed to go anywhere. Mostly just an observation and a trip through my BBC past. Just think about the impact your childhood cultural references have in your life and in how you parent. It is really amazing that it can be relevant even today.

...And it isn't the kiddie pool.

After playing on the beach for a while, we decided to check out the pool on the way back to our room. We saw it on our way out and knew exactly where to go as it was beautifully exposed to the entire hotel populous. Full of people greased-up and cooking like fresh vegetables on a hot, fat-free olive oil Pam-sprayed skillet.

Like a good hotel guest, I read the "Rules of Entry" sign and noted rule number 1 was "No One Under 18 Allowed!" Huh!? I gasped. After pointing this out rule out to my husband who was queuing (with my son and daughter) to get in, an "Over 18 Guest" pointed "over there" to a thick grove of trees. "The family pool is over there. The kids will love it." Uh-oh, I thought.

So off we trekked back in the direction from whence we came. We burrowed around the hedges and thickly fauna-ed "wall" to locate a long line of "We may be over 18, but our kids aren't" folks waiting to get wrist bands to gain access to the pool that was deemed hidden or remote enough for them.

At first, I was insulted. What's wrong with us?, I considered. (Or at least, what's wrong with us that is so obvious that would prevent us access from the other pool.) Then, I looked around. Hey! I thought. This is where my peeps have been hiding. Apparently, the "Over 18 Pool" was code for "The Pretty People Pool" because all of a sudden I was at home in a veritable sea of imperfection! Hurray!

I guess once you have kids running your life, you no longer have time to look pretty sunning by the pool In fact, for 10 minutes, I simply counted mismatched swim suits: 31! Incredible. These people were so overwrought with their parenting responsibilities that they couldn't even match a bikini/tankini/T-shirt/sun cover-up top with an appropriate and similarly coordinating bottom.
Not only that, but those who were greased-up were cooking like Thanksgiving turkey with all the fixings. And, those who weren't laughed freely at my "Rock Lobster" jokes.

The kiddie pool is a beautiful thing!

Life is far from simple in the world of Tom and Jerry, but there are many lessons to be learned from each encounter.

Friendship

First and foremost, Tom and Jerry is really about friendship. Not just regular TV friendship, but the kind of friendship that involves the real complications of being different and being friends despite those differences. They may horse around a lot. Sometimes it is not very gentle (just like 5 year old boys, in my experience), but over all, they choose to engage with each other regularly and sometimes they put their friendship to work for a joint cause (most often, against Spike the dog.)

Conflict Resolution

This one is pretty obvious really. Tom and Jerry routinely find something to argue about. They are creative in how they work to solve the problem and, for the most part, they always come to resolution. They work hard and try different methods; and eventually, something works. Problem solved. What better lesson is there about solving life's problems, big and small?

Loyalty

Tom and Jerry may not always get along, but when someone else tries to threaten the careful balance of their relationship there is hell to pay. When Spike gets involved and tries to get either cat or mouse on his side, it usually ends up backfiring some how.

Fairness

Life isn't fair, but we can be happy despite unfairness. Sometimes Tom wins and other times Jerry gets the upper hand. They both end up happy at times and frustrated other times when they don't get what they want. Just like when we go shopping....we don't always get what we want there either! What self-respecting parent doesn't want their kids to understand that message?

Culture, Sociology, History, & the Fine Arts

Many episodes of Tom and Jerry are set to a spectacular score or involve a variety of fine art experiences, such as conducting symphonies, figure skating, painting, and dancing. Many episodes even have an historical setting, such as the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the French Revolution, and the Great Depression.

In addition, Tom and Jerry are representative of cultural issues of their time. They may not always be appropriate for today's PC culture, but that is also a topic for discussion. What an interesting education our kids would receive if we talked to them about how contemporary cultural and sociological issues even affects cartoons, such as Tom and Jerry.

So next time you sit down to berate this cat and mouse duo, sit back for a minute and reflect on what Tom and Jerry can teach us. Maybe you will discover something to appreciate after all.

Since I posted yesterday, I've been feeling a little uneasy. It's not that I don't feel like I was telling the truth, but rather that it sounded like I was dissing the importance of volunteering which wasn't intended.

Unfortunately, we live in a place where volunteering tracked and credit is taken for how many hours of volunteering people have done. Oddly then, it is also taken for granted. If you are not in a paid job, it is often assumed that you aren't doing anything so you should be volunteering. Unfortunately, this places a large burden on parents because we want to be involved, but realisitcally are already seriously overworked.

I, for one, often find myself paying for a babysitter in order to accomplish my volunteer projects. Most of the time, it's ok because I've picked something I enjoy doing, but when I got home to pay the babysitter, I can't help but feeling a little put out. It's weird to have to pay to work for free.

So, of course, I would encourage volunteering if you have time, but want people to realize the pool of volunteers is greater than just parents and that parents should feel no guilt if volunteering can't fit on your calendar.

Additionally, volunteering should be something you enjoy. (This took me a long time to get, for some reason.) There are an endless list of possibilities, so pick something that doesn't make you shudder at the thought. If you have one hour a day to yourself, you should spend that hour doing projects that you enjoy; and, by all means, don't commit yourself to donating your one hour every day to someone else. Donate it to yourself as well.

"They" say that volunteering is important and we should all "give back to our community" at every reasonable (and often times unreasonable) opportunity. And in most cases, I've drunk the Kool-Aid. But there are sometimes that I find myself confronted with a volunteer "opportunity" that I just don't want to do, yet I feel compelled simply because it is expected of me. After all, I'm only a stay-at-home mom.

The irony of this is that stay-at-home parents spend their entire day volunteering, but are, for some reason, expected and encouraged to "give back to their community" more than anyone else. Isn't the fact that we work 12-16 hours days for free making sure that our kids don't grow into a social services cases enough?

Be forewarned, though, when you feel spunky and offer the "I'm already volunteering, I'm a parent" argument, be prepared for the also popular "keep your resume current" or "find something that YOU like to do" counter-arguments. For moms with the intention of "going back to work" once the kids become school-aged, these are compellingly manipulative arguments.

I'm not saying that volunteering can't be rewarding, worthwhile, and important. I'm only suggesting that stay-at-home parents shouldn't every one's primary target when they need volunteers. As an occasionally responsible, social participant, my volunteering cup runneth over. Please look elsewhere.