Tips from the Trenches: A Guide to Practical Parenting

I'm going to return from my blog strike for a few minutes to provide some tips to help military families plan a move. Where we live, PCS (moving) season is in full swing. The buzz about next "duty stations" is in the air and words like "TMO", "movers", "pack-out", "house hunting", "orders", "school records", "overseas clearance" are being tossed around like they are food in a junior high school cafeteria.

Through years of experience, I have developed a list of useful tips for you to use during your next move. So listen up! I don't like to repeat myself and I might not come back if my strike continues to go badly. (Still waiting for some jokes or something.....please.....save me...I'm drowning in bloggy Hell.)

When you get the news:

• The first thing to remember is that the move will happen with or without you. Planning is pretty much a waste of brain cells so keep all planning to a minimum.
• When you are informed of your move, don't bother reacting. Try to avoid saying, "You want me to move where?" or "Are you &%!$ing kidding me?" Save your emotions for the actual moving process. You don't want to wear out your anger, crying, and frustration supply before the movers even get there.
• Don't believe anything they tell you until you have orders. (And, even then, it's safe to call the TMO, but not safe to buy a house.)
• Never, ever, ever, ever tell your kids you are moving until you are on the airplane. Remember, things can change at any time. (This is especially true if you are trying to leave Korea.) I've found the best thing to tell them is you are going on a "really long vacation soon" and "if we really like it, perhaps we won't even come back." That leaves it comfortably open-ended for everyone.
• Don't buy any items that might "be useful" at your next duty station. It does NOT pay to plan ahead. Examples of bad purchases may include cold (or warm) weather gear, electronics, cars with the steering wheel on the alternate side to the one you already own, and travel books. Remember, if you buy something that isn't useful at your next duty station, you also will NOT be able to sell it there.

When the movers come:

• Place both the pets and the kids (with food and water, of course) in a locked bathroom. Be sure to turn off the water to the toilet, just in case.
• Fill a backpack with all your valuables and wear it throughout the entire moving process. Do not put it down for even a second, even while sleeping, as it might get packed, unpacked, stolen, or otherwise destroyed.
• Make sure you are wearing shoes so they don't get packed.
• Empty your trash can. Movers are notorious for packing trash. (Not kidding.)
• Stick bright colorful stickers that say "Pack me at your own risk!" on anything you would like to keep from the packers. (But don't count on it working for everything. Put those things in your backpack.)
• Ask the movers to put the new inventory stickers on top of the old ones. That way when you pull the sticker off, they will all come off together.

Traveling to your new location:

• I've covered travel before....here. Nothing's changed there.

Upon arrival:

• Arrive in the dark. New places always look better in the dark.
• Tell the kids that you like it and think you will stay if Daddy (or Mommy) can find a job.
• Stay in a hotel. Don't get creative and think you can sleep on the floor of the new home you were not supposed to buy until you arrived.
• Don't forget to unpack the pets. They hate being left in the car.
• Don't forget to unpack the kids. They hate being left in the car.
• Remember, a little Benedryl never hurt anyone on the first night of a new place with jet lag. (Hotels have bathrooms with locks, too, if you are one of the crazy people who are morally opposed to drugging your kids.)

OK, back to my strike. Scabs! All of you!

In March, I posted about how to explain the common obstacles of military base living to your kids. Since then, a few more tips have come about and I want to make sure I share them with you so you can put them to good use.

• "We're not allowed to take the strollers by the Patriot missles. We'll have to go around."
• "No, the Giant Voice isn't God. It's just a recording."
• "Which way is north? Well, you see those missiles over there. See where they are pointing? That's north."
• "That guy down there? Which one the one with the gun or the one with the binoculars? Oh, he's just looking for someone....and him? He's just playing sniper today."
• "Oh! Don't those explosions make it sound a bit like a bowling alley in here."
• "I don't know why that guy is lying in the middle of the street. Perhaps he's looking for bugs."

Again, I hope this provides a useful service. If you have questions or need suggestions for handling your unique situation, please let me know.

When parenting on a military base, there are so many typically undesirable child rearing obstacles that appear every day. Knowing what to say when you first encounter such obstacles is often hard, so I've prepared a list of things you can say (and I have road tested) to manage some of the more common occurrences:

• Don't touch the razor wire by the playground. You could cut your fingers off.
• No, that gun is not a toy. No, I don't know where he got it.
• Look at the sniper practicing behind the preschool. No, he wouldn't really shoot if kids were there.
• Oh, you found bullet casings. Next to the school bus? Interesting.
• They are just practicing taking care of pretend wounded in the hospital parking lot. Look at those doctors run!
• Did you hear them say the word "exercise" before the gas attack? That means it is pretend. We only have the gas masks for the real attacks.
• Today we have to do a safety practice in case we need to leave the country in a hurry. It should be fun. Grab your gas mask and your suitcase. Don't forget your lovey. We'll have the neighbors feed the fish.
• We can't leave the BX until the man with the gun tells us it's OK.
• It's not polite to tell your friend that Daddy could bomb his house even if he is mean to you.
• Quick, ear plugs! Why are those U2s so darn loud?
• It's an AMRAM, not a SCUD.

As always, I hope this makes your job a little easier. We've got to help each other in this crazy world.